Pen and Paper

About 10 days ago, I decided to try and put pen to real paper every day. I will admit that I've missed two days but I have been almost regular. I am using a Moleskine quad ruled book and one of several fountain pens that I have re acquainted myself with just recently. I have found that my handwriting has gotten more and more scribble like and my thoughts have become jumbled frequently so I thought perhaps putting a pen that required some manual dexterity to real paper might be good not only for my soul but for my penmanship. I think though that I will have to go to a store and buy a handwriting practice pad that children use to learn script to re educate and re train my brain and hand to write a little more legibly. I started out by purchasing a 3 pack of Pilot 'Varsity' disposable fountain pens, and the purple ink is quite nice. I then found the LAMY family of pens and have obtained a Vista which has a clear body and cap, a red 'Safari' by LAMY and a Sheaffer school grade pen, also a clear 'demonstrator' that shows the inner workings of the pen. They all rite nicely in my novice opinion, and as of right now, the only colors I am using are the Pilot in purple and black.

I am a bit disappointed in the Moleskine notebooks though because at least with the inks I have used so far, there is a bit of bleed through at times and some skipping as I write. as much as the notebooks cost it would seem that paper quality would at least be maintained throughout one book. I am subscribed to a pen blog now and I am looking at different recommendations for note paper and books that will accept fountain pen ink in a satisfactory manner. Blogging like this is quick and easy but not as cathartic as putting pen to paper.

today is today

Sunday, Pam asleep, Darryl's daughter Amelia is staying with us for about a week. Her mom just moved back to Fla from S.D. and from what I can gather, the baby's living conditions were less than perfect. When she got here apparently all her clothes smelled to high heaven. I think they're in the washer and dryer now. She seems pretty well adjusted though, seems to be taking to Darryl and his gf pretty well. Perhaps she has some sort of memory of being with him.

I still feel like crap. It seems every time I take the steroids I get the shakes. It's not as pronounced as yesterday, but they are still here, and a nauseated feeling. Some heaviness retrosternally as well. I need to study my math and nutrition today. I'm not at all motivated.

Feel like crap today

Pam got me sick and Thursday I went to the Doc and got scrips for steroids and nebulizers and have had the shakes since I started taking the steroids, I think. I feel very tired and my legs feel like weights.

time goes slow, money not so much

Well, I had a first interview fpr a job this past Monday, and the store manger said I should be getting contacted shortly for a second interview. Thursday evening and no word yet.
Pam got paid yesterday morning, and with everything we're behind on, we are broke already. I really need a job. Anything will help. I have several applications out.... online things, but no further responses.

Home alone

Well, Pam's off to work, Bogey, my cockapoo won't let me cut the mats and snarls out of his fur. I bought a muzzle today, because I'm tired of being snapped at and bitten, so perhaps tomorrow I can cut the rest of his hair.
You know, He's rather a metaphor for my life... all matted up and hard to work with. Different parts being more difficult than others.

Paper

I just looked through my study/ office here at the house and see that I have many, many notebooks to use as journals and such. quite a few have a few pages filled and then the drive wanes and the effort stops. I have been told in the past by people more learned than I that keeping a journal can be cathartic and healing. perhaps this is true. I want to do this to try and empty some of the baggage I have in my head and heart, but the dive stops at the end of the block instead of leading the way across the great spaces in my mind.

I make excuses that when something comes up, I'm not where I can write. In a fair amount of instances, this is a fair statement. On other occasions, my mind acts just like a sieve and whatever was on my mind just falls through the screen into oblivion. When I start doing things like this, I seem to become extremely tired. Is my mind fighting me for control of things it wants kept squirreled away? perhaps.

I want things to be GOOD for Pam and me.Not just getting by, but good. Somewhere in my psyche` I know it is possible, but the rational part of me says no f***ing way. Prayer helps for about the time I am praying but afterward everything seems that same. I try very diligently not to overtly pray for myself because in some part of my head, that's greedy and God won't be as accepting of chats like that but some times I can't help it.

Lately things have gotten so bleak in my eyes that I am ready to give up. I've thought about giving away the things that I own... writing long letters explaining things, etc, , but then I think no one would want the junk I have. I'm just so tired, so very tired. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up for a very very long time.

I'm sleepy. Mentally exhausted. Enough for now.

Time

So many days that stream by with nothing but aggravation and frustration. So many days that I pray. Perhaps to connect with God, perhaps just to talk with someone I know loves me unconditionally. Our house has been so depressed lately. All of it. Many days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I do. Just like Pam does. Going through the motions seeking some sort of solution. Of course I never find any. I say only partially joking that I would love just 1 week without drama and problems. Then I think and modify it to be just 1 day. I am in a chicken little world, but more often than not, the sky really IS falling.

Pam is sick as a dog, my asthma is kicking my ass, we cant afford meds or to pay other bills and we might lose everything we have, and everyone wants our help. For some reason they think we are the well of gold and gladness.But hey, the sun came up today. isn't that just Frigging GRAND?

I accidentally left this page and thought that I had lost this post. to say the least I was pissed at myself. Heck that's not a strange symptom of my life at all since my mom died what seems a lifetime ago. As long as I can remember, my father told me time and time again that I was lazy and working way below what I should and could be doing. I guess I heard it so much that I have accepted it at an subconscious level and work to that level. Every time I try to plan and prepare for something, another something comes along and kneecaps me and I fall to the ground and end up eating dirt.